something i meant to put up yesterday night....

"frasier". was interesting. nostalgic... but also...

younger niles :) they made david hyde pierce look 10 years younger. yum. don't know how they did it. don't really care... however they did it, they obviously couldn't afford to do it to kelsey grammer as well...

but yum. double yum. we like. we want more.

toast appears to have adverse effects...

right. so. it was 1am. and this appeared. the names are all meant to be in bold, but i can't be arsed...

THE GREAT BIG “WHAT IF?”

SUMMARY: Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms… I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It’s silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!
RATING: PG? Something around about there.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, but the story is mine…
SETTINGS/SPOILERS: The setting is… um… well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn’t it… All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out… Um… spoils just about everything.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve’s fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot’s “So sorry…” line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my “Fractures” fic, and this appeared… It’s even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it’s just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it “Erp”, but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he’d spell it “Earp” as a reference to Wyatt Earp… Whatever… I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone’s that desperate, I’ll put a list up, but it shouldn’t be necessary. Um… yes. Read on, and review if you’re brave enough. Flames fully expected =)

The Great Big “What If?”

© T’eyla Minh 2002
*Room - Terrace*

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Moyapilot: Greetings.
Earpboy: Hey pilot.
PKChick: John, I don’t understand the purpose of this…
PKChick: Hello Pilot.
Earpboy: It’s meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along…
Moyapilot: How is everybody?
Earpboy: I’m good.
PKChick: How is this meant to be fun?
Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!
PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton… I can’t use this keyboard thing…

*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*

Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.
Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you’ll get used to it…
PKChick: Hello, Stark.
Earpboy: What’s with the name?
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to do it.

*PKChick rolls eyes*

PKChick: I’m sure…
Moyapilot: We like your name, Stark.
Earpboy: We? I never said *I* liked it.
PKChick: I think he means him and Moya.
Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.
Earpboy: You so smart!

*Earpboy huggles PKChick*

PKChick: You should be very glad we’re not in the same room, Crichton.
Earpboy: Um… we are…
PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.
Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything important?
Earpboy: Nah.
Moyapilot: Nothing of importance has occurred.
Bannick_the_Stark: Oh, good.
Bannick_the_Stark: I don’t understand your name, Aeryn.
PKChick: Crichton chose it. Ask him.
Earpboy: It would take too long. Just live with it.
Moyapilot: I will DRD.
PKChick: DRD??
Earpboy: I think he means BRB.
PKChick: You and your frelling abbreviations…

*Moyapilot has left the room*

Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It’s not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway…
PKChick: Your deficient little brain couldn’t cope with it…

*Earpboy sticks out tongue*

Earpboy: I thought we’d gone beyond that kind of petty insult.
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering…
Earpboy: For God’s sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan’s dead. Get over it!
Bannick_the_Stark: No.
Bannick_the_Stark: Not dead.
Bannick_the_Stark: I can hear her…

*PKChick slaps Bannick_the_Stark*

Bannick_the_Stark: Ow.
PKChick: Shut up.

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!
PKChick: Yes, please do. I’m the only sane one left in here…
Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you don’t have a chip in *your* brain…
PKChick: That’s your excuse for everything.
Earpboy: Pilot, you’re quiet. Something wrong?

*Moyapilot shakes head*

Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.
PKChick: ?
Earpboy: Uh… ‘kay…
Earpboy: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??
Moyapilot: So sorry…
Moyapilot: I appear to have hit the wrong keys…

*Earpboy laughs*

Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can’t type…

*PKChick beats the dren out of Earpboy*

Earpboy: Hey! I didn’t mean it!
PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton. You’re going to pay for that.
Earpboy: Ooh?
Earpboy: Promise or a threat, honey?
PKChick: Both.
Earpboy: Cool.
PKChick: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other…
Earpboy: Yeah… I love you too…

*PKChick smacks Earpboy upside the head*

Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we’ll have to go somewhere else…
PKChick: I’m warning you, John!

*Moyapilot separates PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: This is most interesting… It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.
Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: Evenin’ Crais.
CapnB: Is she in here?
PKChick: Is who in here?
CapnB: Jool.
Bannick_the_Stark: We haven’t seen her.
Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can’t you go and bother Chiana or something?
Bannick_the_Stark: I think I will…

*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*

Earpboy: Finally…
CapnB: But is she in here?
Earpboy: No, Stark was right. She ain’t here.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Earpboy: Well, she wasn’t…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar, are you in here?
CapnB: No.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Good.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl huggles CapnB*

CapnB: Will you desist?!
Earpboy: What’s the matter, Crais, don’t you wuv your lil Joolee any more?
CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.
Earpboy: Why’s everyone so against me today?
PKChick: Because you’re an idiot…

*Eve has entered the room*

*Eve huggles Earpboy*

*Eve has left the room*

Earpboy: What the frell was that?
PKChick: Yes, what was that?
Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn’s jealous.
CapnB: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That could be us.
CapnB: Go away!

*CapnB has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oh… :*(
Moyapilot: Don’t cry, Joolushka. I still like you.
Earpboy: You like everyone.
Moyapilot: No I don’t.
Moyapilot: I don’t like Peacekeepers.
Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.
Moyapilot: But she’s not really a Peacekeeper…
Earpboy: We get the picture!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: You like me?
Moyapilot: Yes.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That’s sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?
Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Thanks, Pilot!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Minh has entered the room*

Minh: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?
PKChick: Who are you?
Minh: random fan-girl…
Earpboy: Eve… she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.
Minh: ah… thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you’re beautiful.
Earpboy: Me?
Minh: yeah… weird… anyway, did you see where she went?
PKChick: No.
Minh: okay… oh, and you guys had better frellin’ hurry up… the shippers are going crazy, you know…
Earpboy: I’ve been saying the same damn thing for months… um… monens…
Minh: i’m meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?

*Minh has left the room*

Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here…
Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.
PKChick: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?
Earpboy: I could show you if you’d let me near you…
PKChick: I’m sure. No.
Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?
PKChick: Stick around long enough and you’ll find out.
Earpboy: …
Earpboy: I wasn’t expecting that.
Moyapilot: Nor was I.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?

*CapnB wheezes*

CapnB: I believe so. For now.
PKChick: Perhaps if you change your name...
CapnB: That’s a good idea.
CapnB: Excuse me a microt.

*CapnB has left the room*

*XhalaxSun has entered the room*

PKChick: That’s not funny, Crais.
XhalaxSun: Frell…

*XhalaxSun has left the room*

Earpboy: I guess originality isn’t high on his list of priorities.

*Talynpilot has entered the room*

Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.
Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.

*NerriSis has entered the room*

NerriSis: Hey.
Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how’s it hangin’?
NerriSis: Um…

*NerriSis looks down*

NerriSis: Mind your own frellin’ business!
Earpboy: I didn’t mean… Never mind…
PKChick: I thought you were with D’Argo.
NerriSis: I was… he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.
PKChick: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.
Talynpilot: If you see Jool, I’m not here.
NerriSis: Is that Crais?

*Earpboy nods*

NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda guessed…
Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.
NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Remember, I’m not here.
Earpboy: Okay, we got it, you’re not here!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Did I miss him again?
PKChick: Yes…
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Why does he hate me?? Why?
NerriSis: How many reasons do you want?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Shut up, Chiana!
NerriSis: No, you shut up!
Earpboy: Hey, ladies?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No, you!
NerriSis: You!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bitch!
NerriSis: Tralk!
Earpboy: GIRLS!

*Moyapilot separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

*Moyapilot is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: I never knew four arms could be so useful.
Earpboy: You’re an upholding member of society, Pilot…

*PKChick groans*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Just out of interest, who’s flying the ship?
Moyapilot: I will have to put two of you down.
Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.
Earpboy: Deal.
PKChick: Yes.

*Moyapilot releases Earpboy and PKChick*

Moyapilot: No more fighting.
PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.
Earpboy: Ditto.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Pilot, you’re hurting me.
NerriSis: Me too.
Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?

*NerriSis nods*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl nods*

*Moyapilot releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

NerriSis: Thanks.

*NerriSis pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl’s hair*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Hey!
NerriSis: If you wanna fight, you’re gonna have to catch me first!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Fine!

*NerriSis has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: FRELL!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Talynpilot comes out from under the table*

Talynpilot: Is it safe?
PKChick: All clear, Crais.
Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?
Talynpilot: She’s insatiable!
Earpboy: She seems to really like you. I can’t think why.
Talynpilot: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me…
Earpboy: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me…
PKChick: For your information, I don’t like either of you.
Moyapilot: Do you like me?
PKChick: Of course, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Why don’t you like me?
PKChick: Would you settle for “Irreversibly contaminated”?? Or would you prefer another reason?
Talynpilot: Fair enough.
Earpboy: Well, fine, but what did I do?
PKChick: Same answer.
Earpboy: Yeah. But I didn’t do it on purpose!
PKChick: Actually, I’ve never liked you, Crichton.
Earpboy: Genetically compatible, babe…
PKChick: You’re never going to let me forget that, are you?
Earpboy: Nope.

*DominarXVI has entered the room*

Earpboy: Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.
PKChick: You kissed me back!
Earpboy: What, you’d rather I ran away?
PKChick: Well, no… but… stop turning everything I say around!
Earpboy: I’m not!
DominarXVI: Have you no respect?
Earpboy: Hey, Stinky.
DominarXVI: Apparently not.
DominarXVI: If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They’d be subservient, and obey my every command!
Earpboy: Um, sure, whatever, Ryge…
Earpboy: Aeryn, I’m not turning everything you say around! I’m just saying, it was *your* fault!
PKChick: It’s never my fault, Crichton…
Earpboy: I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big…
Talynpilot: Is this going to go on much longer?
PKChick: No, I only blame you because it’s always your fault.
Earpboy: Ouch…
DominarXVI: Will you two just frell and get it over with! You’re driving us all fahrbot!
Earpboy: That’s the best advice you’ve given all day, Sparky!
DominarXVI: I think I’m going to vomit.

*DominarXVI has left the room*


this is as far as i got. i will put more up as it arrives in my diseased brain. toast is weird. it does this.