T'eyla Minh

I need to do a proper update later.

You've probably noticed I haven't really updated since Thursday (or was it Wednesday?), aside from the Tweets, and there's a very good reason for that, which I will explain in due course.

For the most part, I've just been too damn tired. For which, again, there is a very good reason.

So. Watch this space.

However, I did see Coraline on Sunday, and will review appropriately later...

Before I forget to post this for the seventeenth time...

This was a little exchange from a comment tennis with Paul just before the New Year, and I keep meaning to put it here for posterity and to see if people can guess what we're talking about.

Paul: He knows. He always knows... or so he says...
Me: Yeah, but he doesn't actually know, does he? And then it transpires that he doesn't like it.

Who dat?

~ Screaming down the telephone at me is not the best way to gain my cooperation first thing in the morning, especially when the situation is out of my hands.

~ I can think of millions of excuses right now to avoid you, and hardly any to see you.  It's not you, it's me.  I am a walking cliché.  I wish you'd be angrier with me, instead of this calm acceptance.  Anger, I can deal with; anger, I can fend off with a million explanations.  Acceptance just leaves me reeling.

~ Guilt smells like Gardenia, but is invisible other than that.

~ If it seems like I'm hassling you, it's because I have a party to organise, and your cooperation would be greatly appreciated.  I just want to know if you're coming, or not.  Is that really so much to ask?

~ Please learn that giving me newspaper articles about people 'getting rich quick' by writing children's books is not going to inspire me.  In fact, it is just going to make me violently annoyed.  I have no desire to be the next J.K.Rowling.  I have no desire to be the next anyone.  I desire to write; that is all.

~ I had forgotten how good escapism was, and now I want it back.  I want to journey to distant galaxies, uncharted territories, hellmouths, places I'll never get to see, from the comfort of my armchair.

~ I miss Derby more than I ever thought I would.  I think I'm starting to understand why so many people go on to do post-grads.  In my case, it would be putting off the inevitability of real life a little longer.  And yet, were I to move back there permanently, I'd miss Birmingham too much.  There was a moment last year when I realised I could never leave this place: I stepped out of the Pallisades onto the ramp, and it was raining and grey and full of people, and it felt like I was coming home.  I wanted to come back here; now I want to go back there.

~ I've been thinking about him again, at exactly the wrong time.

~ In being torn between Athens and Los Angeles, I have inevitably chosen Athens.  There's the money issue - it's £100 cheaper - and the fact that if Vicky doesn't go with me she'll have to go with Laura and will probably not enjoy herself because they'll be arguing.  There's also the wider issue of my getting to America.  Maybe if Aisha's elective had been in June as I originally thought, it might be doable, but with both happening at Easter, I definitely can't afford it.  She wants me to go with her; I'd willingly join her for the bus tour, but that's still £600 in itself, plus spending money.  And even though my heart is screaming at me to go out there, telling me it's everything I've always dreamed of, another part of me is wagging its finger and telling me I can't go, because I haven't earned it.  And that's always been the plan, you see.  To earn it.  So it's been a very difficult decision, but I won't be going with her to L.A.  She'll understand; I know she will.  I've waited this long, and I can wait longer, another five years, another ten, longer still, until I am in such a position as to be satisfied enough with everything I've achieved to say "Well, here we go."  And then, it'll feel so much better.  Right?

~ It turns out, rather ironically, that I am utterly useless at normal human emotions, especially my own.  I can be content either surrounded by people, or completely on my own, but one-on-one interaction terrifes me.  I simultaneously feel the need to explain myself, explain why I am the way I am and why I just can't do this, whilst trying to act like a normal human being.  Fictional people, I can deal with; real people... real people are complex creatures with minds of their own, and I don't think I can cope with that lack of control.

That is all.  Comment, advise, or question at will.

So, that was interesting.

But I'm far too tired to even think straight, let alone be coherent, so I'll have to update properly tomorrow...

*dies*

although i'm probably only more aggravated by this because i'm in one of those moods where every tiny little thing pisses me off beyond reason.

fucking angel is being fucking cancelled. which shouldn't annoy me, per se, because i'm not exactly an angel fangirl or anything. but it's yet more proof that the decent stuff gets dumped for no apparent reason. one day, when the channels are populated by reality shows and soaps and horrible made-for-TV movies, and production companies are clamouring for something new, original and clever, you know what the creators should do? they should all live together in a cave somewhere and keep their ideas to themselves, and show them only to an elite few. they should start their own television channel to show things on, and only tell a few people about it on pain of death if it gets leaked. they should bring out DVDs and videos for only those who appreciate it.

that's what they should do.

because now, you see, there's no farscape (because, despite the fact that there'll be a mini-series, i somehow suspect that the liklihood of the bbc a) knowing this and b) getting a hold of it before, say, sky one or scifi UK does, is very slim indeed. in some ways, i really wish sky had gotten a hold of it in the first place; at least it might have been advertised to an adequate degree and gotten the recognition it deserved.), and there's no buffy, and no x-files, and after this year no more angel and no more frasier, and without caroline quentin, jonathan creek's not even as enjoyable as it used to be. (yes, i'm hung up on that. live with it.) there's no decent trek - i'm sorry, enterprise is bloody unwatchable - and i gave up on friends a while ago. i've never watched er or 24 and i don't really want to start now. i keep meaning to watch stargate but continually miss it, and feel bad about that as it is because it was 'scape's main rival on scifi US.

the only decent thing to watch - the only thing i can even vaguely imagine myself getting obsessive over - is the recent dead like me. it's utterly fantastic. there are several problems with this:

1) it'll never go mainstream. sky one hyped it, because that's what sky one do. if it gets to terrestrial at all, it'll end up on channel four and be shown at some ungodly hour, and will then get low ratings and not be brought back.

2) there is a proposed second series in the pipeline to be filmed this june. promising? maybe. but we know how fickle these production companies are. as soon as they need the money for something else it'll probably get axed. and why...?

3) ...because it's probably too clever for the majority of audiences to understand. farscape: case in point...

4) it'll never go mainstream beyond sky because it has swearing in it. lots of swearing. by - shock! horror! - minors. and it's about death, and it's a comedy. the poor sensitive british public will complain, more so if the bbc get their grubby paws on it. it's a catch-22. if the bbc get it, it'll be confined to bbc2 at a timeslot too early for its content, and it will get edited to death with a chainsaw and sellotape. failing that, it'll remain as it is meant to be, and be shoved to a 2am slot where nobody can watch it. or it'll end up on channel four, where the same problem remains - remember what they did with angel? (oh, look, we've come full circle...)

star trek nearly got axed.
roswell nearly got axed.
buffy nearly got axed.
farscape got axed.
the lone gunmen got axed.
randall and hopkirk (deceased) got axed (admittedly the new version, which was apparently crap, but i liked it...)
firefly got axed.
angel is getting axed.

do we sense a pattern here?

this rant isn't even going anywhere particularly sensible. i just had to get it off my chest. and while i'm at it, here's ( some other unrelated rants that you probably shouldn't read if you value friendship )

my sleeping pattern's frelled again; you can probably attribute this post to that fact. i am cursed by random images from dreams i never remember in their entirety...

last night, i dreamt i had a conversation with aisha. we were in the audience of some kind of ceremony, and beforehand, i'd said something that led into us having tearful confessions whilst being shushed by the other audience members, and my hugging crystal a lot. i can't remember exactly what i said, now. it related to gemma - as these things often do; i swear, when i'm in therapy, she'll be the cause of all my trust issues - and i think it was something along the lines that because of her abandoning our friendship, i was seeking revenge by hurting my remaining friends - crystal and aisha in the dream - by putting up a facade that wasn't really me. and for some reason, this really hurt aisha, and she was determined to talk it through with me. possibly i'm imagining that one of them said, "so we've all been living a lie where you're concerned? is that what you're telling me?" but i do remember aisha and i both being in tears (in the audience), and i was saying "please, can we not talk about this now? please..." and she said, "no, i have to know." and then there were apologies, and crystal was trying to find out what happened, and i was hugging her like she'd disappear if i let go...

last night, i dreamt i drowned. i was in a pool, i believe, and i was too deep, and i was climbing to the surface, but then my lungs couldn't hold any more, so i let out the breath i was holding and then breathed in, and as the water filled my mouth and throat and lungs i couldn't see the surface any more and just started to sink. it was so vivid; thinking about it now, it scares me a little that it was so very peaceful when it happened, and that i didn't even panic...

last night, i dreamt i gave thefleshfailure birthday cake. it was blue and white, with silver candles, and red writing icing. she ate the icing from around the edge (all ornate and piped, the likes of which is beyond my skills), and the chocolate fudge filling, and saved the cake for later. i said, "oh, you..." at her, and then we wandered off. and then she was at my house (at home), having stayed the night for some random reason (i'd even relinquished my bed and slept on the futon for the night; clearly, my subconscious is a better hostess than i) and my mother had put yellow voile curtains in her room just like those in mine, and all the furniture had moved. the walls were painted cream, and there were flowers on the bedspread. it was a glorious summer's day, with late evening sun pouring through the window from utterly the wrong angle to reality, birds singing in the trees, and i said, "doesn't it make the room so much warmer?" and she agreed, smiling, and everything was right with the world.

last night, i dreamt in symbolism, and i pre-empted the hours to a somewhat scary degree... i'm not entirely sure what to make of the dreams. happy? sad? meaningful? or the confused ramblings of a mind that thinks too much?

i should stop finding things out. i hereby decree i shall live in a dark room for the rest of my life...